Who cares for the caregiver?

Hawke's Bay local Katrina McClean was four months pregnant when her husband Tom was diagnosed with sarcoma, a rare and aggressive cancer. Toms cancer returned this year and the couple were told he had a few months to live. Katrina started blogging about her experience of being the caregiver to a loved one with terminal cancer as an outlet for her grief. She shares her experience with the C Word.

(Pictured: Katrina and Tom McClean with their children Max and Poppy).

Last year, my husband was rushed to Wellington for emergency heart surgery, three days later, we were told the tumour in his heart was a rare form of cancer.

Our boy was three and I was four months pregnant when we received this devastating news. Our lives changed. For my husband to have the best chance of survival he needed to go through a harsh chemo regime. This meant being an inpatient at Palmerston North hospital for one week, two weeks at home to recover and back into hospital. We repeated this cycle for five rounds.

Being a caregiver is about making tough choices and doing what’s right in that moment. We made the heartbreaking decision to keep our son in his daycare so I could support my husband. I have a book and write everything down I have all the information and I sorted my husband’s life insurance and KiwiSaver to be paid out.

Watching my husband go through chemo was hard. You are watching the person you love become a shell. You watch them suffer and try to recover. You take them to their appointments, sit with them and try to remain positive even though you feel broken. 

I prepared to give birth without my husband because we didn't know if he'd be well enough to be there during labour. I went into labour while he was on his chemo treatment. I am grateful that I had one of my sisters with me, she stayed the whole time as my support. He was lucky enough to be escorted to my room just before I gave birth to our little girl. 

Two weeks after she was born, he did 5 1/2 weeks of radiation. I stayed back at home for most of the time with our two kids.

In June this year, we received the news that his cancer had spread and he was only given months to live. I felt like I had failed not only him but our kids. As a supporter, you put everything in so when you feel it hasn’t worked, it guts you to the core. I put on a brave face because I was not the one dying. I felt I needed to be strong, positive and able to cope with everything life threw at us. 

Taking on the caregiver role in a relationship is challenging. I found everyone wanted to check on him but not me. I remember going to the supermarket after a rough day with my husband and I saw five people who asked the same questions. I felt like I didn’t get a break.

My husband and I struggled with asking for help. We are very fortunate to have great family and friends to support us. They helped us by cooking meals, doing housework, having the kids and just being emotional support. My husband can’t physically do the jobs he loves so he gets help. Cranford Hospice and the Cancer Society have been great for pain management and getting my husband to radiation and back. 

I tried to seek support for someone with a young family going through cancer, but when I couldn’t see anything I could relate to, I decided to start my own blog called “Supporting the Supporters”. I update on my life and the struggles of being a supporter. It’s been a sense of relief to connect with people who are going through similar experiences.

The one positive thing to come out of this life changing situation is our relationship is stronger, we have been spending quality time together and we don’t take each other for granted. We have been spending quality time with the kids. We wouldn’t have this opportunity if we were both working full time.   

You can find Katrina's Facebook page for supporters here.