We need to talk about breasts

I have one breast, my left. All that remains of my right is a small peak of fat where my cleavage once sat. A large pale scar runs across my chest and under my arm, my sternum tattoo has been stretched where my surgeon pulled my skin together. My left breast hangs lazily down my stomach, redundant and without purpose. Someone told me early on Amazons removed their right breast so they could wear their sword for battle. I have no need for a sword. I try not to take notice of what my chest looks like now. (Image: one breasted woman, stands with her hands on her hips in exercise clothes).

In 2018 I had a full right sided mastectomy with sentinal node clearance to treat the aggressive Her2 positive breast cancer that had invaded my breast. Three large tumours the size of plums had rapidly grown - starting in my milk ducts before bursting through and suffocating the healthy tissue. The cancer spread into my lymph nodes and was making swift progress before my surgeon cut it out.

To prepare for losing my breast I scoured Google images looking at mastectomy photos, trying to absorb the photos of women who looked like they'd had their breasts erased. Nothing really prepares you for losing your own. No matter how stoic you try to be it catches you like a punch. Winding you for a moment with the gruesomeness. I slowly got use to the sight of my missing breast, defiantly left the house not wearing a prosthesis catching stray gazes at the one titted lady.

At first I was glad I still had one breast. But as my body healed and I made my way from a 'knitted knocker' to a proper prosthesis I began to wonder why I wasn't given the option of removing both. My breast is significantly larger than my prosthesis now. It is impossible to find mastectomy bras that fit, that don't cut into me and aren't ugly. I searched in vain for months after my mastectomy for a soft bra that would hold the weight of my prosthesis, to prevent it from falling down my waist. I've taken to inserting my own pocket into cheaper bras without underwires I have found at Farmers. My surgeon said he didn't think there was any reason to remove a healthy body part. It is hard to question the authority of a surgeon who has you life balanced in his hands. But I wish I was given the choice of how my post cancer body would look.

I was too fat for reconstruction. Too much of a risk for the recommended tram flap where they would have created a breast from my stomach. I am not alone in my fatness limiting my choices of reconstructed breasts. Each district health board (DHB) around New Zealand has different criteria and most base it on BMI. Māori and Pasifika women suffer the worst inequalities not only in outcomes for cancer but reconstruction options post treatment. The BMI is known to prejudice Māori and Pasifika peoples because it is an inconsistent way of recording obesity and health.

My left breast is healthy but the impact on my sense of self and my struggle for acceptance of my post cancer body is hard to ignore. If I could go back I would choose to be flat, to have the option of two prothesis of the same size. So I can feel whole from time to time. I cannot imagine having reconstruction, my body has been through enough without another huge surgery. I understand those who take this option to have two 'normal' looking breasts.

We need to talk about breasts. We need our surgeons to talk about all of our options - flat, one boobed, reconstructed. They are all valid options for people facing the loss of their breasts. Health isn't just about the physical body. Our mental and emotional wellbeing are equally if not more important as a person moves through their cancer experience.

What's your experience post mastectomy? Come talk to me on Facebook