How to get over a cancer diagnosis

Once cancer treatment ends, figuring out how to get on with life can be challenging. After taking a break from the podcast, I sat down to reflect on my experience. It can feel like a slow process, but taking your time to grieve and recover is important.

The trick to getting over a cancer diagnosis is you don't. Instead, you grow around what's left of your old life once treatment ends.

Your hair grows back, you look less cancery and life falls into a new rhythm. But the memory of cancer is always there. And just when you think you have dealt with one layer of grief, the next layer appears, and that's where I am. Wading through the next layer of emotions that needs to be felt.

Taking a break from social media.

Recently I stepped back from social media, which was great for my mental health. I developed a habit of doom-scrolling during the pandemic! Picking up my phone was automatic, and I spent far too much time on social media.

I noticed that limiting my time made me less worried about life. I wasn't constantly comparing myself to people I saw on social media. Most importantly, I wasn't comparing my life to a curated version of someone else's life.

The fear of reoccurrence eased when I wasn't immersed daily in cancer social media. People I had followed passed away. I know death is a part of being a cancer survivor, but I found it confronting to watch people lose their lives to the disease.

I started to think maybe I was done with creating cancer content, and maybe I'd said all I needed to say. Perhaps I've discovered the elusive formula for getting on with my life! But I can safely report that I have not found the magic formula for getting on with life.

What I learned is you can't avoid daily reminders of cancer.

Be ungrateful to find gratitude.

Something I don't believe gets talked about enough is that many of us finish our treatment and feel pressure to be better. To be grateful that you're alive.

Don't get me wrong; I am incredibly grateful that I am 4 years post-diagnosis and that it seems that the treatment I had has worked so far. However, to arrive at a place of complete acceptance and gratitude, you have to allow yourself time not to be grateful. It's okay to feel damn mad. Underneath the anger is likely to be grief, sadness, regret, or frustration.

For many of us, especially in the younger cancer community, our life has not panned out as we thought they would. Cancer has meant many of us have not been able to have children, had relationships broken down, or had careers stalled.

Many of us can't get back to those things.

Accept your anger

The work I've been doing around grief has helped me gain clarity, especially looking back to the years leading up to my cancer diagnosis.

Six or seven years ago, my dream was to move to the Uk. I had my British Passport and ticket all ready to go. But then, the rug was pulled out from under me, and I faced a difficult situation.

Part of me feels robbed; I couldn't live out my London dream. But, I know on many levels, it's a privileged dream and a privilege to have been in that position. However, it doesn't take away the sadness it didn't happen.

I realized back then I didn't see my strength. People in my life told me they didn't think I'd cope with moving overseas. I've learned those people were projecting their fears onto me. Cancer has taught me enormous strength and the ability to rise, keep going and build something beautiful out of the ashes.

Rewrite your internal scripts

I'm not quite at the point where I feel grateful for cancer. However, it has opened my eyes to the years I spent not listening to my intuition.

Cancer opened my eyes to the labels I'd taken on and the internal scripts I believed about myself. I've shared about being late diagnosed with Adhd. So many of us who are late diagnosed have been told our whole lives that we're one thing. Once diagnosed, you discover yourself without the labels and become a new person.

It's similar to when you go through cancer. You discover who your friends are and see life with clarity because you realise how short it is. I don't recommend cancer to learn how strong you are. But it sure does force you to discover the depth of your character.

Being told you're strong by a cancer muggle can be annoying. We are bloody strong, though. We have learned we can go through hell, still be standing at the other end, and be willing to keep engaging in life.

Acknowledge ALL your feelings

One of the deepest scars from cancer for me is infertility. I am devastated I can't have children. Logically I understand my identity as a woman isn't based on my ability to have a child. When the choice is taken out of your hands, accepting a baby won't be part of your life is challenging. I will stop you before you tell me we can adopt or there are other ways of having children in your life. It is not the same. I want our baby. You can find different ways to give life meaning, but nothing fills the gap created by cancer.

I can look at my life and see many positives. I am grateful for my dogs. I've often said to people one of the most incredible things about being an adult is that you can have dogs! I have a happy relationship, a roof over my head, and a new career I enjoy. But I'm also allowed to be disappointed that other parts of my life haven't turned out. What I am coming to learn about processing difficult emotions is that it's about acknowledging them and growing around them. To not let it suck you under and keep you stuck in all the shit, you have to give space to what comes up.

Surviving survivorship

There is no road map for survivorship. The pamphlets about after treatment don't prepare you for 'getting on with life.

Where I've arrived is cancer survivorship is a continual process of releasing what doesn't serve you. And the key to survival is to be okay in the muckiness of it.

In my next blog, I'll outline what I've been doing to help shift the grief. Make sure you subscribe to my newsletter to get it delivered to your inbox.

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