Happy anniversary to my absent right breast

On this day four years ago I sat in my hospital gown and stockings waiting to have my right breast removed.

At that moment I felt a profound sense of loneliness and fear. How the fuck did I end up here? 37 years old with aggressive breast cancer, this was not in the five-year plan.

I had no inkling of how life-altering my breast cancer diagnosis would be. Even four years on it seems surreal I went through treatment.

How do you summarise four years of grappling with the impact of a cancer diagnosis? If you have stumbled upon this blog post looking for answers, I’m afraid I’m still seeking them myself.

You see there is no template for healing, no packaged how-to guide or magic solution. I’ve learned the only way is to keep walking through the grief, confusion, and anger.

Here are is what I’ve learned about life after ‘the C word’:

You can be ‘cancer free’ but not free from cancer

Scars are a daily reminder of cancer.

When you are going through a diagnosis you hand onto any ounce of hope your cancer is treatable and won’t come back. What I’ve come to realise is there are no guarantees. You live with the knowledge your cancer could come back and there’s not a lot of control over this.

Cancer-free means something very different to me now. To be cancer-free means not being weighed down by the enormity of a cancer diagnosis and the impact it has had on my life. To be free from cancer means accepting I will never be a parent. The dreams and goals I had BC (before cancer) are different and it’s OK to grieve what didn’t happen.

Healing happens after treatment and out of the hospital system

The healing part of post-cancer life can feel harder than the treatment for cancer. Cancer impacts the mind, body, and soul, you cannot heal one and not the others.

The medical system is set up to diagnose and treat diseases. It’s not set up to provide a holistic treatment setting. I have spent the past year seeking different ways to release the emotional impact of cancer. I came to the realisation there is no room for a new life if you are stuck in the trauma caused by cancer.

Cancer is the worst gift ever but brings the most growth

Cancer has given me the gift of healing parts of myself that needed love.

I have had to admit cancer has been a gift. Not a gift I would ever give to anyone or one I can be grateful for. Yet.

But it has given me the gift of healing parts of myself I need to expose and tend to. I’m going to get a bit woo-woo here. I’ve needed to embrace things I never would have considered before my cancer diagnosis.

Breast cancer stopped me in my tracks and stripped away all the things I had used to define myself. I was no longer able to work myself into burnout, I couldn’t thrash myself at the gym and fill my days with distractions. I lost my hair, breast, and identity.

What has grown from this painful experience is the person who I buried a very long time ago. I could no longer ignore grief, loss, and disappointment. I am listening to my inner voice and becoming open to letting go of what didn’t serve me.

Is this process easy? No. Am I glad I am able to go through it? Yes.

You learn to get very picky about who you give your energy to

Ross has stuck with me through some dark times. We've grown together since my cancer diagnosis.

I have talked to so many people who had friends ghost them during treatment and reappear once it’s over. I say fuck that. Cancer does the best Marie Kondo job on your life. People who can’t walk with you during your darkest moments aren’t worthy of your time or energy.

Grief isn’t linear

Grief is a bitch. It’s painful, mucky, and consuming. However, grief is also transformative and teaches us the depths of souls.

You can’t rush grief or force healing. It needs to be seen, experienced, and given time to move through your body.

Grief that isn’t seen turns into depression. We are not good at allowing others to grieve, we put time limits on it like one day the person will be over their loss.

We may never be over our loss, that’s the hardest lesson to learn. Some losses are so painful we may carry them with us. But we can grow around our grief.

I am learning how to grow around my grief and give it the time and space it needs to be seen.

As I continue to heal I'll share my experiences here and on the podcast. Sign up for my newsletter to keep up to date and subscribe to the podcast.

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