Five Things Cancer & Covid Taught Me About Grief

Grief has been a frequent visitor in my life for the past six years. I have learned a lot about how others respond to it but very little about how to process it. That's because we aren't taught how to grieve. Most of us have no idea how to respond to other people experiencing loss. How to hold space as someone expresses strong emotions.

Here's what my cancer experience and Covid have taught me about grief.

(Image: a moment of sadness during chemo.)

1. Grief does not happen in stages

Grief isn't linear, it's messy and painful. Some days you're ok and the next loss will wash over you. My experience hasn't been a neat series of emotions, it's felt more like waves with varying intensity. Sometimes those waves come one after another and other times there is more time between.

My guest Kate Rossler explained the original concept of the stages of grief was developed for grief and death. Grief is an emotional experience, it can happen when life doesn't go as we planned.

Cancer falls into this definition, no one plans to get cancer. A diagnosis can upend a person's life in ways they never imagined. The impact treatment has on our bodies can leave us looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger staring back, our dreams of being a parent can be taken away from infertility, we lose friends, and our relationships can change.

The same with Covid, people have experienced job losses, travel plans abandoned, death of loved ones, missing out on milestones like weddings and birthdays. It is OK to feel a loss about all of these things.

2. We are often not given the space we need to grieve

Not being able to express your feelings without the fear of being shut down or minimized can cause isolation, disconnection, and depression. Many people I have met since being diagnosed with cancer talk about this experience once treatment ends. Well-meaning friends and family want them to be better. But often don't comprehend the loss we have been through.

My theory is strong emotions make us feel uncomfortable. Few of us are armed with the tools to help a person who is expressing strong emotions. When it comes to cancer our friends and family want us to be better, it is too painful for them to think about us dying. Often this leads to our feelings being minimised or shut down. "Think positive!" We're told, but this does not allow us to feel the full range of emotions we are going through.

Positivity has its place. However, if we aren't given the time and space we need to feel sad it can turn into depression.

3. No one teaches us how to grieve

This isn't anyone's fault, we've just never learned how to cope with loss! In their book 'The Grief Recovery Handbook' John W. James and Russell Friedman talk about the myths we're taught about grief. As I started reading the first few chapters I thought 'oh boy this is familiar!' and a lightbulb went off about my own experience with grief.

They point out grief is an emotional experience but we try and address it at an intellectual level. We are taught to acquire things but not to lose them. An example of this is being told 'don't feel bad, at least it's not bad cancer'. Or "chin up, be strong for the kids". Both of these messages 'don't feel bad' and 'be strong' do nothing to help us deal with the emotional impact of grief.

Our friends and family often have no idea how to respond to our cancer diagnosis. They want to fix it, intellectualise or ignore it. None of these are helpful when you are going through the rollercoaster of cancer. Sometimes we need our loved ones to hold space for us, let us rage and despair at what has happened.

4. Grief isn't only associated with death

Grief is the result of a loss. The loss can be anything from cancer, losing a job, a relationship ending, canceled plans, and so many more! At the moment the world is going through collective grief as Covid has stopped us in our tracks. No one imagined how 2020 and 2021 have panned out.

I want to say this again: it is OK to feel sad, angry, and let down by how life has been since Covid (or any other situation).

5. Disenfranchised grief can keep us stuck

Disenfranchised grief is a type of grief when something happens that society doesn't view as a legitimate loss. Or something you cannot freely talk about.

I experienced this when I went through a marriage breakdown and subsequent divorce. There was nowhere I could express the pain I was in that the relationship had ended because I was the one who left. I have no doubt it was the best decision for both of us. There was an underlying attitude from some people in my life that because I made the decision I had to deal with the consequences.

I think there's an element of disenfranchised grief when you have cancer, especially if you are a 'survivor'. We often have a lot of pressure to be grateful cancer warriors. How many times have you heard 'you're cured right?' 'At least it's not terminal, my friend/ aunty/ cousin/ neighbour had the same cancer and died'. Don't get me wrong of course we're grateful to be alive and come out the other side of treatment. But life isn't the same. We are not the same people as before cancer and we need the time and space to mourn our former lives.

Healing from cancer and any type of loss

I don't have the answers (although I wish I did!). As I go through my own process it has made me realize how ill-equipped we are to heal from loss.

What I do know is if I want to heal my mind, body, and spirit from the losses I have experienced in the past few years I need to do something radically different. For me, it starts with letting myself feel the full range of emotions, acknowledging life hasn't gone to plan, and finding a place of peace.

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